High Priestess

High Priestess

This is the card I have in the plastic pocket of my Filofax and today I’m thinking , why can’t I just sit still as she does? I’m in a fair bit of pain today & angry about it because…..because it’s Spring, because the sun is out and the birds are making a racket and I’m still STILL indoors…I have impatient Aries as my Ascendant .

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7th March

At the very least, I could note my Tarot readings. Last night, two cards sprang from the deck I was shuffling. The Knight of Wands is an old friend, the 2 of Swords is me.
He’s coming along to prod me into action!
There’s me, being all introspective, being all wispy-poetry, being too much in my head. The Knight of Wands is having none of that!

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I did think about writing about having cancer, but read Lisa Lynch’s blog and realised I couldn’t do much better. In fact there were so many similarities, I could just cut and paste from it.

What didn’t help though was that Lisa died. She went thru’ all the treatments but the cancer re-appeared and she died.

I’m reading passages from her blog and comforted that she is expressing oh-so-similar feelings and opinions to me; I felt less alone (no one in my circle of friends or family had this THANK GOD – except for my mother, who died :/) but always at the back of my head is the knowledge that Lisa Lynch died.

I feel I can’t quite trust I’m cured yet. In fact, I don’t know when I’ll be told I am – next month perhaps, when I go to see the oncologist? I did my best to see the surgery as the end of it, but I’m still suspicious…..unwelcome images of cancer as refugees fleeing , hoping to start new lives in hidden, secret places

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Boar Lane, Leeds – Atkinson Grimshaw

Boar Lane, Leeds - Atkinson Grimshaw

I’ve been in Leeds more often than not of late.

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Candlemas

ImageSaw the New Moon, saw some snowdrops….this Spring is indicating that I am finally ending the various treatments I’ve had to remove cancer….some of it was grim, most of it wasn’t…I’m lucky, blessed and haven’t had any seismic shifts of awareness or new appreciation for life. Not really.

I always did see life as full of wonder and curiousity and delight; I always was prone to contemplate the possibilities of an Afterlife.

I mentally compiled an inventory of my life so far, and of course I found it wanting! I’ve yet to see the Aurora Borealis, stroke a bear, feel heat from a volcano. However, I haven’t suddenly acquired the means to do such things without compromising others; no one is offering a cash reward for having cancer treatments!

Anyway, I thought I’d try to write here again.

 

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so it’s been a while

I abandoned my journal, because, because….I didn’t want anyone to read it. I enjoy other people’s journals and don’t feel that I’m adding anything to the enormous body of material out there….and things happened/are happening that I didn’t want to write about….these opinions haven’t really changed, yet here I am writing again.

An exercise, practice that’s all.

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Death

043

This gravestone is usually missed by most Haworth tourists who don’t leave the path! If they did, they’d notice this poignant memorial to 6 siblings; the story is that their father was the stonemason who carved the stone and it is certainly unique amongst the other headstones in Haworth’s overcrowded cemetary.

Death was the card I drew today. The Mary El deck makes it very personal; this isn’t some metaphor or sombre Angel – this is an OLD woman, just as I might very well be. She’s inevitable and I am still no closer to knowing what may or may not happen after Death.

I do have an inkling of an idea what it might be like before Death. It might be similar to that feeling on the last day of a holiday, especially when you don’t feel it was time well spent. It seems way too optimistic to think it might feel like the final hour of Friday afternoon, but of course its possible that will be a more appropriate analogy.

Before my bones petrify, I took  the opportuity to sit out in the sun, enjoying the scent of flowers & birdsong. Memento Mori and Carpe Diem, as they say.

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