this was taken during my lunch break yesterday, and I felt that the cards were an accurate reflection of my state of mind…the Angel at one shoulder, the Devil at the other and there I am continually moving between the two. And yes, having a cup of tea does make almost everything better, if only because it allows for a moment to pause & reflect.
By the way, I prefer my Tarot Devil to remain devilish and might write a proper long post about that one day!
Here’s the thing, my life isn’t all that interesting to write about.
However, I’m going to try and write as an exercise in self-discipline and learning to spell properly and practising sentence construction and trying to become both interesting AND clever.
I’m just going to write whilst ignoring that self-censoring, critical voice in my head. I’m just going to write.
And I’ll start with my Tarot reading this morning…7 of Cups, 8 of Discs, Ace of Wands..underpinned by The Aeon and basically saying, stop fannying about and get on with it.
Random thoughts ..I want to help people be less afraid of dying and by ‘people’ that includes myself.
When people come to see me for a reading, for example, I want to give them a experience that makes them feel life isn’t just a mechanistic process and that we are all just a bunch of chatty monkeys. I want people to believe in magic, even if just for a moment, even if its just something for them to refer back to as a time when they felt the weirdness of Faerie, to quote the incomparably wonderful Kate, when they “let the weirdness in”.
I’m rubbish aren’t I? I wanted to think of some clever, new angle for my blog last year…couldn’t think of anything. Has everything been done already?
This is the card I have in the plastic pocket of my Filofax and today I’m thinking , why can’t I just sit still as she does? I’m in a fair bit of pain today & angry about it because…..because it’s Spring, because the sun is out and the birds are making a racket and I’m still STILL indoors…I have impatient Aries as my Ascendant .
At the very least, I could note my Tarot readings. Last night, two cards sprang from the deck I was shuffling. The Knight of Wands is an old friend, the 2 of Swords is me.
He’s coming along to prod me into action!
There’s me, being all introspective, being all wispy-poetry, being too much in my head. The Knight of Wands is having none of that!
I did think about writing about having cancer, but read Lisa Lynch’s blog and realised I couldn’t do much better. In fact there were so many similarities, I could just cut and paste from it.
What didn’t help though was that Lisa died. She went thru’ all the treatments but the cancer re-appeared and she died.
I’m reading passages from her blog and comforted that she is expressing oh-so-similar feelings and opinions to me; I felt less alone (no one in my circle of friends or family had this THANK GOD – except for my mother, who died :/) but always at the back of my head is the knowledge that Lisa Lynch died.
I feel I can’t quite trust I’m cured yet. In fact, I don’t know when I’ll be told I am – next month perhaps, when I go to see the oncologist? I did my best to see the surgery as the end of it, but I’m still suspicious…..unwelcome images of cancer as refugees fleeing , hoping to start new lives in hidden, secret places
I’ve been in Leeds more often than not of late.
Saw the New Moon, saw some snowdrops….this Spring is indicating that I am finally ending the various treatments I’ve had to remove cancer….some of it was grim, most of it wasn’t…I’m lucky, blessed and haven’t had any seismic shifts of awareness or new appreciation for life. Not really.
I always did see life as full of wonder and curiousity and delight; I always was prone to contemplate the possibilities of an Afterlife.
I mentally compiled an inventory of my life so far, and of course I found it wanting! I’ve yet to see the Aurora Borealis, stroke a bear, feel heat from a volcano. However, I haven’t suddenly acquired the means to do such things without compromising others; no one is offering a cash reward for having cancer treatments!
Anyway, I thought I’d try to write here again.
I abandoned my journal, because, because….I didn’t want anyone to read it. I enjoy other people’s journals and don’t feel that I’m adding anything to the enormous body of material out there….and things happened/are happening that I didn’t want to write about….these opinions haven’t really changed, yet here I am writing again.
An exercise, practice that’s all.